Erik Eriksen described the obstacles that stand in the way of our achievement of this ego identity as fear of intimacy, diffusion of time and concentration and rejection of shared values.
FEAR OF INTIMACY comprises a fear of being engulfed, controlled or manipulated by another person, whilst at the same time there is a longing to end aloneness and to renounce a separate identity. It is basically a fear of feelings. When we are not in touch with, and therefore in control of our feelings, emotional contact with another person can be extremely threatening. That is when we play such games as the Seesaw and the Cha-cha-cha. In the seesaw game, as we shall see, one partner achieves elevation at the expense of the other. In the Cha-cha- cha each partner only feels safe to advance when the other retreats.
DIFFUSION OF TIME needs little explanation. We fill up our time with work, entertainment, obligations and rituals, until there is not enough left to meet our need for time simply to be ourselves: to rest, relax and reflect on our priorities.
DIFFUSION OF CONCENTRATION occurs when we are distracted from concern with our innermost feelings and needs by more ephemeral awareness. This is often an excuse to avoid facing up to a need for change. In its most extreme form it is manifested in overindulgence in food, sex and drugs: in addiction, compulsion, obsession and suicidal impulses.
REJECTION OF SHARED VALUES is also a fairly obvious way to avoid identifying oneself as part of a partnership, group or society. When we feel it is only safe to be ourselves in the presence of like-minded individuals, then it is easy to avoid being ourselves on the pretext that no-one else shares our ideals. The less closely we identify our personal values, the more easily we can maintain that they are not the same as those of our peers.
These conflicting aims and desires set up a feeling of dissonance, of discomfort and dissatisfaction. We are aware that something is wrong, but unwilling to risk increasing our unrest by too close examination. So we shut the whole issue out of consciousness. We try to convince ourselves that we are O.K. as we are, and wonder why we don't really believe it.
We are aware that there is something missing. We are unwilling to look closely to identify what it is. We add these feelings of inadequacy to the messages of failure we have been amassing all our lives and our self-esteem drops steadily lower and lower.
Self-esteem is not the same as arrogance. Self-love is not the same as selfishness. Self-esteem is knowing and trusting ourselves well enough to interact with our environment in a mature and effective way. Self-love is the ability to tap into our own strength and joy in such a way that we can confidently be ourselves and allow others to be themselves. We are therefore better able to love others who also find us easier to love.
Copyright © Sylvia Farley 2003 - All Rights Reserved.