WINNERS AND LOSERS in the SPOTLIGHT
There are basically two kinds of losers - those who insist "I Never Did Anything Wrong" and those who complain, "I Can't Do Anything Right". ICDAR's and INDAW's are too busy justifying themselves to get on with living. Nobody is really comfortable around them and they are not even comfortable with themselves.
They may see themselves as concientious, capable and concerned. But to others they seem more like miserable, moaning martyrs.
In
therapy they tend to go over and over the same ground, unwilling to let go of
past defeats, wanting the therapist to agree that they are blameless, reasonable,
beings who have no need to change.
Everyone is blameless and reasonable, but if you want to make progress, you have to accept change. If you were perfectly happy being your blameless and reasonable self then you would not be coming to me for advice or guidance. You would not be looking to learn new skills to get what you really want out of life. Because that is what I do.
I don't tell you or show you what to do. I simply reflect back what you tell me, encourage you to take a good long look at yourself, decide what you really want out of life and how to go get it. I don't pretend to supply a step-by-step instruction sheet, but simply an explanation of what is going on in your mind and why, and how you can take control. Rather like a course in using a computer - I tell you what it can do and how, but you decide which programmes you want to install and how you are going to use them.
As I tell clients when they ask me how long they are likely to remain in therapy, "You will know when you are ready to get on alone. You will be far too happily busy to waste time on me. Until then, you have work to do, patterns to recognise and changes to make."
To clients who do not want to progress but merely to justify their fear of growth, I cannot better the advice given to me by my own first mentor, the unforgettable Lucy Borodkin:-
"Shit - or get off the pot!"
In the words of the Gurus of Attitudinal Healing, "Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right?" Decide your own priorities and you can all be winners.
The truth is that there is more than one truth. Reality is not either this or that. It is this and that and as many other things as there are observers.
I am a chamaeleon, a different person to everyone who sees me and different to each of them at different times. I no longer waste time trying to co-ordinate these selves. I simply hop from one persona to another as they are best fitted to deal with the current situation. So I can be a warrior and a pacifist, a hedonist and an ascetic, a fool and a near-genius, an iceberg and a volcano, a show-off and a recluse, vulnerable or hard as nails, lethargic or impulsive, loving or withdrawn. So can you. So can everyone.
We all have a library of personalities adapted to the different circumstances in which they have developed. How very dull and difficult it would be if we had not. But we all also have a central, bedrock self-awareness, an observer self that directs and produces the overall drama of our lives.
In order to deal with different situations we must be able to select rapidly amongst available roles rather than have to assess each situation and work out an appropriate response as it arises. It is an inbuilt survival technique that we can compare with selecting suitable attire ready-made from a carefully constructed wardrobe with clothes for all occasions, climates and pursuits, rather than having to start chasing sheep or planting cotton when we are already shivering with cold.
First we deal with the situation as it arises. We don what seems the most appropriate costume at the time. Later we use feedback to modify the response. We can change into something more comfortable, move a button, alter a trimming, change a colour, or, of we are sure we don't need it any more, we can discard the outfit altogether. But to make a reasoned assessment, to wear the most appropriate garb, we have to know what is in the wardrobe and what the day is likely to bring. We can't do that if we refuse to look out of the window, remember what happened last time, or open the wardrobe door.
Throughout our lives we have been making ourselves clothing, dressing ourselves up for our big scenes. Some of the gear may look decidedly dated, may no longer fit or simply be worn out. But we can be sure of one thing. It was the best we had at the time.
We have no need to be ashamed that we were once smaller or larger, more colourful or restrained, more covered up or exposed. Our swimsuit is not the best choice for a skiing holiday, nor evening dress for picking potatoes. But each outfit was acquired for a purpose and it served us well. We survived. We grew. We did the best we could.
If we were to meet any of our previous selves and talk with them honestly about the situation at the time, we would be able to appreciate that given their constraints and the knowledge and equipment available to them at the time, they did not make too bad a job of things. We may know more now than we did then. We may be more aware of the consequences. With hindsight we do indeed have clearer vision of our own direction and the motives of others. But even now we don't have all the picture. It is different from every point of view.
But if we won't even look at it, we will never begin to appreciate the craftsmanship that created it.
Once we come to recognise that whatever mask we wear, whatever emotions we choose to feel and express, there is a constant presence at our core that is stable, that observes, learns and adapts, then we can retreat when necessary to the safety of that core to evaluate the effects of our daily lives and emerge when we have decided on an optimal strategy.
We are all equipped with the most marvellous computers to make sense of events. But like all computers, they are pre-programmed to take short- cuts for maximum efficiency. Even better than the latest models of neurological network computers, we can learn, we can modify our responses according to results. We are all pretty fantastic.
Each of us is the unique result of hundreds of thousands of years of selection of the most desirable traits. Each of us has capabilities beyond those of the most sophisticated machines. Each of us is infinitely adaptable. We are survivors.
More than that, we are creators of our own realities and we are aware of ourselves and others. One half of our brain is practical and one half equipped to dream. One half of our brain is programmed to react to circumstance and the other to analyse, give feedback and act to change both our reactions and our circumstances so that we can use to the full our faculties not only to experience, but to enjoy our lives.
I am not sure whether computers are yet being programmed with pleasure centres and motivation, but we were. Our greatest achievements are a result of our search for meaning, for satisfaction and for personal pleasure. We seek congruence and ego- integrity. We try to achieve the best possible image of ourselves. In doing so, we exceed our limitations.
Look back where you have been and see if you can list the many ways in which you have grown and changed over the years. Imagine how much more potential the next few years may bring.
Now make a list of your achievements, from great to small.
Can you cook?
Do people enjoy your company?
Have you created new life?
Have you furnished a home?
Have you helped someone?
Have you comforted someone?
Have you inspired someone?
Have you made something new?
Created something beautiful or useful?
Done something difficult?
Learned something?
Given something away?
Been somewhere unusual?
Acquired a skill?
Endured a trouble?
Overcome a problem?
Imagine a time before you did those things. Did you ever believe you could do them, before you tried? Did you ever wonder if you had bitten off more than you could chew, and doubt if you could succeed?
Now make a list of the things you would still like to achieve. Do they seem any more out of reach than some of the things you have already done?
Decide
which of them you really would like to do.
Make sure it is something you really want to do for yourself and not for any
other reason. Then make a plan.
When do you want to do it?
What will you need?
How can you make it possible?
When are you going to start?
Before you start to think of all the reasons why you can't do anything just yet, remember Lucy Borodkin!
One of my friends, an "incurable" optimist, has three pet sayings, all demonstrably true. When things go wrong he says, "The man who never made a mistake never made anything" and gets on with the next grand scheme. When starting something new, he announces, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life". Nobody told him about mantras, but he uses positive affirmation with positive results. Why should he wish to be "cured"? As he often explains, "The optimist and the pessimist may arrive at the same place in the end, but the optimist has, by far, the better time getting there!"
As a personal example, I spent many years agonising over my unerring ability to choose the wrong man. I analysed their attractions and my needs, experimenting with different approaches until I realised that I do in fact choose the men who meet my needs at the time and that I would be bored to tears with a faithful and predictable spouse.
I need an intelligent, independent man who likes women and enjoys his ability to please.. But intelligent, independent men who like woman and enjoy their ability to please do not hone their skills in a monastery and are seldom content to please one woman. Often they are driven by their own insecurities to prove their attractiveness to serial mates, or, like me, they need new challenges to keep their interest and they also need their space.
I do not want to be on stage all the time, or constantly reacting to the needs of someone else. I did that for long enough as a wife, a mother and an employee. In my golden years I want to be alone to eat and sleep when I like, to do as I please, work when I want to, allow myself to be ill or tired without apology and push myself to the limit when I can.
I want to choose when to expend my energy in a yacht race or a love-making marathon, writing a novel day and night when inspiration strikes, playing computer games, studying some esoteric subject or setting out into the unknown. The man who attracts me most is very like myself. I allow him the same freedom and treasure the times when we both choose to be together.
For me, love-making also implies trust and affection, so only a treasured friend will get that close. It is an art-form. It is fun. That is my choice. I have accepted that life is not a dress rehearsal. I have never even seen the script. So I play it by ear. If I wanted safe and predictable I would be auditioning for a different part..
