NOT ALL CATS ARE GREY IN THE DARK!

This month I am going to tackle the confusing subject of sexuality. And I am not even going to attempt to discuss morality. If you believe sex is only permissible within marriage or if you feel it is a pleasure to be shared within a loving, but not necessarily legally defined relationship, this is a matter of personal choice. Here I am dealing simply with physical and emotional boundaries.

In over 30 years of talking to people who have trusted me with their most intimate thoughts and feelings, I have come to realise that there is no such thing as “what women want” or “what men want”. There are no rules and no easy routes to success. There is only what each individual needs and it is always different. No two people are alike and no one person is the same from day to day. There is no right or wrong way to do things. Despite the net sites and magazines telling you how to “pull”, the manuals telling you how to please and the ads for medication to resize your primary sexual characteristics, all you really need is sensitivity, intelligence, honesty, self-respect, integrity, generosity and a sense of humour. Not too much to ask, is it?

There are evolutionary reasons why most women look for tenderness within a physical relationship and most men look for passion, but there are times when these roles cross over. There are men and women who see sex as an over-rated pastime, boring or uncomfortable or even something dirty or shameful and are glad to be free of its demands. There are men and women who think it a necessary evil, something to be done regularly but got over quickly. There are men and women who offer physical service in the hope of receiving love. There are men and women who are not highly sexed, but feel privileged to express love by intimacy and acceptance. There are men and women who are aggressive, predatory or sexually voracious. There are men and women who see sex as a means of control. There are men and women who delight in the sexual expression of love, who genuinely believe, “If God made anything nicer he kept it to Himself.” There are some who feel that sexual love is the greatest, most sacred gift we can give to a beloved partner and who recognise the awesome power of true sexual gratitude, and there are men and women who see love-making as the ultimate form of ephemeral art.

There is a little of each of these attitudes in all of us and there are endless combinations of all of them. None are inherently right or wrong although different cultures train us to different expectations. They are simply different ways in which we have learned to relate to our bodies.

Some of us are so lacking in confidence we need a clear set of rules to follow for safety and resent it when our partners do not respond predictably to a routine of rubbings, lickings, probings, tweaks and twiddles. Some do not like to relinquish control and allow themselves to enjoy their bodies. Some are afraid. Some are ashamed. Some glory in the whole lubricious business. Finding a like-minded partner really is a form of Russian Roulette.

It makes sense to take time to befriend our prospective partner, to talk about what we need and expect, to approach intimacy slowly through the process of courtship, from talking to touching and kissing, then through the escalating process of mutual experiment, taking time to explore and thoroughly enjoy each stage and stopping by agreement, retaining respect for ourselves and each other if we decide we are not suited after all.

To dive headlong into the heady business of full intercourse is a bit like gorging yourself on strawberry Pavlova before you have tasted the soup. You might well find, after a while, that it contains none of the necessaries of life and can actually be pretty nauseating. Like people who need the stimulus of alcohol or drugs to be able to relax and express their sexuality, you could be left with all kinds of uneasy after-effects whilst still unsatisfied.

As one of my co-consultants openly admitted, “To tell you the honest truth, I don’t know how people manage to get it together. It’s very hit and miss, isn’t it?”

There have been many attempts to help people to get it together, from all kinds of cultures. Many primitive tribes have systems of initiation of young people by worthy elders who teach them how to satisfy their partners. Some guides emphasise physical compatibility, like the Indian Kama Sutra which insists that people can be divided into categories from slender and petite hares, through cows, to horses and elephants and that elephant men should choose elephant women and stallions should mate with mares.

My favourite is the Perfumed Garden of Sheik Nefwazi with his endearing insistence that everyone is capable of and entitled to sexual joy within marriage, from the young woman with the ugly, elderly husband to the hunchback, the under-endowed and the vastly overweight . He goes to great lengths to explain both the mental attitudes and the physical positions that will make this possible.

We can choose from dozens of manuals including Dr, Comfort’s classic, “Joys of Sex” or even “Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars.” They all contain some truths, but are really only starter texts. The best way to find out what our partner likes is to ask and to listen to the answer, remembering that that is the answer right now, but not necessarily the definitive answer for ever. There will be room for every variation, from hot and steamy to laid back and languid, from slow build-up to explosive quickie, from reverence to helpless laughter if you only remember one thing:-

GOOD LOVERS TAKE THEIR BRAINS TO BED!