"Them as don’t ask, don’t get!"

(Old Yorkshire Saying).

It is true that if no-one knows what you want, they cannot help you to obtain it.

It is also true that if you don’t know, or cannot admit what you want, you have little chance of satisfying your need.

On that principle, I am exploring my own needs here, in the hope that someone out there may be able to help me to meet them.

Yes, I know it is a potentially dangerous thing to do.

I have had some weird experiences and met some very troubled people because I have made a conscious decision not to turn my back on life, not to prejudge anyone, and to give myself chance to understand people and to appreciate why they do and say the things they do.

There was the man who “wanted to marry ” me and demonstrated real charm, passion and consideration. He was a joyful companion, overwhelmingly generous, intelligent, exciting and too good to be true.

It did not take long to discover that he was already married with two children. He was a bankrupt with a criminal record and suspended court sentence. He had victimized upwards of four hundred other women. Why was he so compelled to manipulate women ? Why was the fantasy so much more attractive to him than real life?

Another came to me temporarily as a convalescent hero, again, he seemed to meet my needs for an adventurous friend, unafraid of emotion, willing to explore the boundaries of existence in a deeply spiritual and creative fashion. He was also an alcoholic, skilled as most alcoholics are in concealing his real problem. What was his real problem?

These were intelligent , attractive men, unrepentantly alive, grabbing greedily from life what they thought they wanted. The first wanted sexual love and trust, the second, respect and admiration, the third, material possessions and obedience.

The third was also intelligent and charming, saying the things he thought I wanted to hear and making an elaborate show of generosity.

But it was short-lived. Very soon it became apparent that he had a pathological need to control, an anal-retentive refusal to let go, to give or to share anything, not even pleasure.

Landscapes must be paved, linens starched, glasses autoclaved and bodies sterilized and talcum-powdered to the point of asphyxiation. No time or money must be spent on anything that did not offer him at least two sources of advantage, yet no-one should expect anything of him, not even the simple courtesies of keeping his appointments and his word.

Why was he so incapable of joy? Why was he so afraid?

Why did I allow myself to be attracted and deceived by these men?

What did they have in common?

They were all my father.

Like him, they were handsome, intelligent, charming, plausible rogues. They were all afraid that who they really were was not good enough to earn them the rewards they sought.

They wanted excitement and glamour. They wanted the outward show of success.

They were afraid they would be found out. They were afraid they would be rejected. They were afraid that the things they needed would be withheld. They were afraid….

They wanted not to be afraid. They wanted power.

So they became someone else. Then, when they were inevitably found out and rejected, their deceptions exposed and their needs withdrawn, it had not happened to them. It had happened to someone else.

If they hurt someone else who had been foolish enough trust them, they had several comforting explanations. The person was stupid, greedy, or was playing the same game and so deserved ill treatment.

We all judge others by ourselves. Those of us who have high personal standards of trustworthiness, dependability and generous behaviour are ready-made victims for those of us who expect to be cheated, hurt and maligned.

We do not expect them to be so unlike us. They do not expect us to be so unlike them.

We love those for whom we make sacrifices and hate those we wrong, because we want a good reflection of ourselves. So we see their faults but we pity them and we go on being loving and generous because that is how we need to see ourselves. We are basically loving and good, so they must be.

They reject us, because we have seen through them. They resent the flawed image of themselves that we reflect. At best they avoid us, or they struggle to regain control or even treat us badly to prove we are unworthy of anything better. After all, we are as bad as them. We are no better than them. We are them. They deserve to be punished. We deserve to be punished. It is only the logic of the unconscious mind.

To play this game, we need each other, and we need to refuse to expose our selves as we really are – needy people, wanting to respect ourselves and wanting love.

Even if I am willing to accept this – he may not. He may be far too afraid to trust in my generosity and understanding. He would not trust his own.

There is nothing to be gained by perseveration, by continuing to try to salvage a hopeless relationship. There is no future in refusing to see that these fears go too deeply to be relinquished easily.

It is pointless to keep on taking my bucket to an empty well….

So why do I do it?

Because I learned that what I needed was there to begin with, even if it was very little and had a bitter aftertaste. I could not believe that it had dried up so completely.

If what I need is no longer where I actually found it, how can I believe it exists anywhere else?

But it was merely the bait, the honey on the fly-paper, the gold salting in the fraudulent mine. It was a camouflage they had learned to wear in order to survive on their terms.

As long as they can continue to meet their short-term needs in this way, they will never need to change.

But I need to change.

I need to draw a line in the sand and say, so far, and no further. I need to state my needs clearly and refuse to settle for less.

So what do I need?

I need a purpose. I need to share joy. I need to share companionship. I need to share physical love.

I do not need to be a victim.

I need someone who is unafraid to share. I need someone who has learned that loving someone is a gift we make to ourselves. I need someone who knows that you can never give anything away. I need someone who is unafraid to live, who is unafraid to give, who is unafraid to love.

He is out there somewhere and I am not afraid to look for him.