LOSS

These days I spend a lot of my time with people who are newly single, because of death, desertion or divorce.

There is a classic progression in all these cases from grief through anger to new strength.

One thing they all have in common in the beginning is a loss of identity.

All these people depend on their self-image as part of a couple. It takes time to be able to see themselves clearly as viable and worthwhile individuals who can comfortably stand alone.

The first reaction is often to seek to replace the lost partner, to prove that we are still attractive and desireable; to find someone else with whom to exchange shelter, nurture or protection.

We may even try to avenge ourselves by infidelity or by hurting a temporary partner as a substitute for the deserter.

There is often a panic-stricken urgency in the search. We feel too exposed and vulnerable to survive alone. We have forgotten the joy of independence and self-determination.

Too often the first despairing thought is, "Who will want me now?" Combined with this is a fear of further pain, an unwillingness to expose ourselves to rejection and an utter loss of self-esteem.

Throughout the lost relationship there has been a sense of continuity of identity from the person you were when you met them to the person you have become in their company.

Then, suddenly you are confronted with an older, changed self without the link to the past.

Sometimes there is anger at the missing partner for dying, deserting or in other ways rejecting the person you have become.

This is particularly potent when there is a feeling that you have deliberately restricted your choices to become the person your partner desired, and have so been cheated twice. You sacrificed your potential to a partnership, have been robbed of the future you had anticipated and now have to begin again to make choices and decisions, to become vulnerable or remain alone. Neither of these options is attractive. Both are threatening in the extreme. Only time and action will improve your prospects.

In bereavement there is also often a feeling of guilt because you have survived and your partner has not. You may even feel it is in some way disloyal to seek your own happiness without them.

It is a useful exercise to write a letter to the missing partner, detailing highlights of the future you had hoped to share. It will be painful but will clarify your position and allow you to choose some goals that are still attainable in your altered circumstances. Decide on one thing you had hoped to do together that you will promise yourself to do alone or with another companion.

Then write about the things you used to enjoy doing with your partner. Again, select one thing that you can still do alone or with a friend.

If your former partner still loved you, they would want you to be happy. If not, then it is time to reaffirm your worth and make your own happiness.

Now review things that you used to enjoy before the partnership began. Are any of those things possible now? Can you do things that would have been difficult with your partner? Are there things you enjoy, but your partner did not?

Now resolve to select one of these activities to work towards over the next few days.

It may be painful to reclaim areas of your life, to give yourself the opportunity to heal and find new sources of contentment. It is particularly difficult if you are facing the experience for a second time.

When my husband left me, a comforting friend wept with me, but suddenly felt inspired to say, "It isn't so bad for you, you've been through it all before".

I have news for her. It does not get easier. It gets worse.

You are not only dealing with the trauma of the present loss, but the accumulated feelings it awakens from previous experience. Because you face the knowledge that it can happen again, it is harder to believe that you will ever achieve a lasting, happy relationship, harder to trust yourself, harder to accept the risk of future pain.

If you are afraid that you choose relationships that have some inbuilt self-destruct mechanism, a useful check is to take a piece of paper and some pens and draw a number of large circles labelled with the names of significant people in your life of the opposite sex. They may include a parent, colleague, boss, lover or life-partner. Then sketch whatever comes to mind as you think about each person until you have placed three or four objects in each circle.

One client filled one circle with a circus scene, a cage, whip, tightrope and ringmaster. It did not take her long to realise that her partner had been extremely controlling!

Another circle contained an astronaut in a space-suit, representing a remote parent who had never been accessible.

When it emerged that two possible new partners under consideration were depicted respectively as cold-blooded reptiles or vicious rodents it became laughably obvious that the poor woman was not choosing what she wanted but was prepared to settle for whatever was available.

So we laughed together and hugged each other before she buckled down to filling a circle with ideas more symbolic of a balanced and enjoyable partnership. This she put on the wall beside her bed with a subscript " I won't settle for less", which she repeated aloud to herself whenever it caught her eye.

Mantras like this are extremely powerful tools to focus the energies of the unconscious mind. Try choosing a phrase that you can believe in, such as, "I have a lot to offer", "I have a right to be happy", "I can do it" or any other encouragement you need. Say it aloud to your reflection in the mirror every morning and night. Say it emphatically and with conviction.

Before long, you will begin to realise that IT IS TRUE!