This month I would like to start to tackle the minefield of male/female relationships and I would welcome your feedback. Any thoughts, reactions or questions will form the basis of future articles.
From now on, I am going to use the word “han” to mean either “he” or “she”. With 25 chromosomes in common and only one chromosome different, men and women are much more alike than we generally acknowledge. In countries where the language differentiates less between men and women there is less sexual misunderstanding, role division and prejudice.
In the UK, socialisation (our upbringing and learned attitude) has a lot to answer for.
Men and women habitually put each other down. They don’t really talk to each other and listen to the answers. They assume…. And they are often completely wrong. But if this is pointed out a man will tell a woman she is different “because she thinks like a man.” A woman will tell a man he is different because he is “sensitive". Amongst such unfounded assumptions are the following: ( and I am sure we can all think of many, many more.)
She doesn't do that kind of thing. She wouldn’t be interested in that. She's too old for that sort of thing She’s just in one of her moods. They’re all ruled by their hormones! |
He doesn't understand. It's a waste of time arguing with him. You have to humour him. Men are like that. They're all ruled by their zippers! |
These generalisations are just easy ways to file people into generally accepted categories without questioning the categories or really getting to know the people.
More stereotypes and generalisations:-
Women are scatter-brained Women need looking after. Women nag. Girls are cissy. |
Men are entitled to their pleasures. Men are naturally promiscuous. A real man can hold his liquor. Boys are brave. |
We say these things even while we know they are not necessarily true.
For the person who dares to step outside the mould, we have new labels, the “career woman”, the “ working wife”, the “new man” or even the “house-husband” and we show our disapproval with more assumptions:-
She's a ball-breaker. She's let herself go. |
He can't get it up. He's hen-pecked. |
I just want to get you started on questioning your assumptions and identifying your life-scripts.
LIFESCRIPTS
We all have a particular favourite fairy story or legend that often expresses the way we feel about ourselves and our lives. Are you St. George, (the rescuer) the Scarlet Pimpernel (the elusive), Don Quixote (well-meaning but not in the real world), Little Red Riding Hood (who courts danger), Cinderella (the martyr) or Sleeping Beauty ( who hasn’t started living yet)?
See if you can find a story that seems to fit your pattern. It can be a very illuminating exercise. This is mine:-
The Princess and the Frog Once upon a time there was a princess who was something of a Tomboy. She was considered ugly and bad-tempered. Nobody liked her, and nobody wanted to play with her. She had one friend, a frog from the pond in the tangled beyond of the garden, who cheered her up when she was discouraged with her own reflection. "If you want something enough", he said, " I'm sure the Beautiful Fairy will help you". When the princess grew up, the Beautiful Fairy, who was wise and gentle and often appeared on TV, came to tell her who she was and what she must do to be beautiful, loved and happy. So the princess did exactly as she was told and worked very hard to acquire the right size, shape, appearance and personality; to do the right things and think the right thoughts. When she succeeded, she married a handsome prince (who didn't approve of princesses talking to frogs). So he filled in the pond and bought her a diamond pin (shaped just like a frog) and said to his friends, "There's no pleasing a woman", because she cried, and cried, and cried..... |
And here are a few exercises to practise . They may help you to feel better about yourself and the way you relate to others.
1. If you want it, ask for it. But remember the answer may be yes or no and it is simply a response, not a judgement.
2. If it doesn't feel good - don't do it. The sky won’t fall if you say
no. If han (he/she – remember?) doesn't make you feel good, then han is
not THE one.
3. Stop apologising.
4. For women: Admit your strengths.
5. For men: Admit your feelings.
6. Have fun!
| Copyright © Sylvia Farley 2003 - All Rights Reserved. |