HAVE YOU REACHED CRITICAL M.A.S.S.?

Those few of us who are apparently well-balanced, serene and untroubled are either the ones who have been through hell and come out the other side, or they are the ones who have not experienced any real conflicts in their life. They have not yet reached critical M.A.S.S.

The introjected personality, the parent or teacher whose demands we could only escape by internalising them, the gremlin on our shoulder who chides and prompts us to feel worthless, guilty or ashamed, has four major irritants at his disposal.
They are the simple and oft-heard words, "Must, Always, Should and Sorry." M.A.S.S.

Every time we hear ourselves say one of these words it is worth having a good look at our reasons for saying it. Find another word. "Must", "Ought" and "Should" are out from now on. "Always" and "Never" are similarly taboo. "Sorry" is forbidden. Look at what you really mean and say that instead.

When you say, "I must go to the dentist", do you mean, "I need to go", "I want to go" or "It is expected of me."
If it is the latter, who expects it? What will be the consequence if you decide not to fulfil these expectations?

When you say, "I suppose I ought to go straight home", have a look at who has ever said that to you. A parent? A partner? Do you mean " I really want to do something else but I wish to avoid confrontation" or " I really want to go home, but do not want my listener to be aware of this." Or is there a third, unexamined agenda, "Good children always go straight home"?

"Always" is a killer word. It is used as a generalisation to manipulate and control. "You always put me down. You always have an excuse. You are always tired. You always win, fail, whinge, tell tales, cheat, cry, bully, lie, run away.... Well, do you? Does he or she always do anything?

Of course not. No-one is ever consistent or predictable. But saying so is comforting. It gives an illusion of control and consistency and it delivers real control where the object of our observations wishes to refute our accusations and tries hard not to deserve the label you "always" give them ... or stops struggling altogether.

It is so easy to think - "I always fail, so I won't even try."

Some of these assumptions may have served us well at an earlier period of our lives, but have become automatic and are no longer relevant or appropriate.

"When you say "I should stick to fruit juice", are you implying that you would rather not? Where does the conflict arise? What are the options? What are the implied costs? Are you using the phrase to opt out of responsibility for making a decision?

Does she really "Always" misunderstand? Does he really "Never" listen or take you seriously? Do you really "Always" feel too ill to bother? Most of the time you may be right, but there are windows of opportunity in the exceptions which you throw away by acknowledging only the easy generalisations.

Finally, the dreaded "S" word - "Sorry" is a reliable indicator of your proximity to critical M.A.S.S. Sooner or later you will blow up. A quick review of the number of times you say "Sorry", the reasons why you say it, the consequences of your fault, (if any) and the degree of responsibility you actually bear must all be taken into account.

Like many men and women whose self-esteem is not as firmly-founded as it could be, I gradually assumed responsibility for all the ills of the world until one day I heard myself apologising to my irate husband for the inclement weather and decided enough was enough.

Was I God, that I could command the heavens? Did my husband really think I had arranged the rain especially so that he could not play golf? What game was he really playing?

Once started on this critical path, more and more of my reality ignited as the sputtering links of this long - delayed chain reaction threw new light on all aspects of our relationship. The explosion was spectacular, but not to be recommended as a means of clearing the air between two people

Between us two, when the dust settled, there was nothing left at all.

More typically, one partner becomes increasingly convinced of their own short-comings until their discomfort becomes so pronounced that some change is essential for survival.

Of course it is often not the change we expect. To avoid putting ourselves to the test we deflect our worries onto parallel issues and fail to address them, because to do so might force us to realise that the real things we needed to change were not nearly so simple.

"I can give up drinking any time. It's no big issue. Then I'll be better off, my health will improve, I'll be more efficient at work, I'll spend more time with my family...."

Why don't you? Because you don't want to admit that you dislike your job and you don't think your family really want to spend time with you? Worse still, do you "know" the job is more than you can cope with and do you fear your family will find out what a mess you really are?

Then what? Do you distrust them so much that you honestly believe they will despise and desert you? Is anyone who seems to care for you only pretending for what they can get out of it? Have they proved their poor taste by sticking around? Do they deserve all they get? Or are you behaving badly so that they will be forced to declare their true colours and admit they never loved you anyway?

You don't think much of yourself. Do you?

"I can always lose a couple of stone. When I look more like something out of Vogue, men will desire me, love me, be faithful to me, satisfy my needs willingly. Till then I will continue to send out the messages, "Keep off, you can't touch me. I am shielded. You can't hurt me. I will hide in here until it is safe to come out. I am a big girl now. I am not going to disappear."

Who is a scaredy cat, then?

Often it is not until we become so confused and depressed that we can no longer function in the world we have chosen that we seek help in changing it, or ourselves.

And this is how it should be. Change is painful and difficult and not to be undertaken lightly. We really need to be motivated to succeed and uncomfortable with current reality. Chicks do not emerge from eggs without a painful struggle, nor butterflies from crysalids. But without destroying their safe coccoons, they could not reach their full potential.

Only when it is no longer comfortable or safe to stay where you are, when your stable world is reduced to chaos, can you take the parts and reassemble them into a new reality, one in which your more mature self can flourish.