We all carry a lot of guilt
about past actions committed by the people we used to be ...in other words ...by
persona we have outgrown or discarded.
In some cases we have succeeded
in denying the mistakes we have made.
We try to forget the people
we were and to disown the decisions we made at the time.
But, in fact, most of us
made the best possible choices for the best possible reasons.
We did the best we could,
given all the circumstances.
However, we are rather
like the little boy who hides under the bedclothes, pretending that there is
a dragon under his bed.
Eventually he succeeds
in frightening himself so much that he is afraid to come out and look.
The most uncomfortable
times in our lives are not pleasant to revisit.
Often we are ashamed of
the situations in which we found ourselves.
So instead of trusting
the people we used to be and supporting them in their decisions, we simply shut
the whole guilt-laden episode away in the past, where it erodes our confidence
in our ability to make the right decision now.
In fact, like the little
boy with his imaginary dragon, we would actually be most relieved once we had
plucked up the courage to look.
I have very fond memories
of the therapist who helped me to sort through my hang-ups before letting me
loose on clients of my own. She said that she did not work with disturbed or
inadequate people, but with ordinary neurotic human beings like herself and
me.
It was a simple statement,
but an unconditional expression of her faith in my ability to take the first
step on the arduous path to self-acceptance. Her confidence in me helped me
to regain confidence in myself.
She did it.
I did it.
Many other people have
done the same.
You can do it too.
You are a unique individual
with tremendous potential. You can be happy, self-confident, and successful.
You only need a little help to understand why you think and feel as you do and
how to forgive yourself. You only need a little encouragement to accept yourself,
warts and all, to reclaim many of your lost abilities and get on with building
yourself the life you want.
EXAMPLE:
Alistair was a young man
who was abused as a small boy by a trusted and beloved uncle. If he ever permits
himself to think about his sexuality, it is as something shameful and degrading.
He has so far discarded the bewildered young lad he once was, that he speaks
of his uncle , now deceased, with the greatest of affection and respect.
He is unhappy, unfulfilled
and has discarded great chunks of his potential along with the hurt child he
refuses to acknowledge.
Together with awareness of
the physical feelings he experienced, he has repressed his sexual self.
Together with the child he
used to be, he has discarded his creativity, spontaneity and sense of fun.
He has a vague awareness
of himself as a bad boy who could get out of control.
He fears he may be someone
who may behave badly; someone who cannot be trusted.
He is afraid to get close
to anyone in case they should find out how wicked and unlovable he really is.
The righteous anger which
should be directed at the man who abused his trust has been turned inwards against
himself.
He is so afraid of what he
or others may see that he will not look at himself, nor will he allow anyone
else to see the hurt child within.
In therapy, it is possible
to create a safe place where nothing is forbidden.
With a trusted therapist
it is possible to look at the unthinkable without fear of judgement, rejection
or punishment, to rediscover what actually happened.
The next step after rediscovering
the past is re-appraising it.
Amongst many other techniques,
psycho-synthesis could give him the tools he needs to rebuild himself in a totally
acceptable form.
The little boy he used to
be could ask the man he is now for advice on dealing with just that situation.
Between them they could arrive at an understanding that the little boy was in
no way at fault in submitting to the attentions of an adult he loved and trusted.
The fact that he experienced
some pleasurable sexual feelings was only to be expected. He was biologically
designed to do just that.
The pain he felt was not
a well-deserved punishment for wrong-doing. His anxiety was a direct result
of threats and suggestions made by a man he does not want to regard as evil.
Because the boy's experience
and feelings are not available to him on a conscious level, they have the same
power to incite fear as the dragon under the bed. The more he refuses to look,
the more he is paralysed by fear.
But the man he is now can
understand that no eight-year-old boy sets out to seduce an upright adult. He
could even explain to his child self that it does not negate a relationship
in which he loved and respected a man who was often kind to him.
That man also had a hurt
child inside whom he could not control, because he would not see him. That frightened
boy who became an uncle had only one way of defending himself against the man
who earlier abused him. He became him... and abused his nephew in his turn,
thus disowning and destroying the hurt child within himself.
Once the young man can appreciate
how his uncle was also a damaged person who was doing his best to cope with
feelings he could not understand, he can forgive him and pity him as he can
forgive and pity the child he was himself.
The last step in reclaiming
power to redress the past is to rewrite it. Amongst other applications, psychodrama
is the art of re-enacting unsatisfactory episodes from the past. How often have
we thought of things we wish we had said when it is too late. Well, through
psychodrama, we can go back and say them.
The strong adult the young
man is now, can go back and enact a scene where he can tell the uncle that what
he was doing was wrong, understandable but unacceptable, resented, repulsed,
but now forgiven.
Psychodrama is also the art
of putting ourselves in someone else's shoes.
By impersonating the uncle,
the young man can gain valuable insight into the thoughts and feelings that
contributed to the event. He can realise that there was a genuine affection
together with the ungovernable urges that drove an unhappy man.
He does not have to sacrifice
the image of a loving uncle in order to focus on a sad , confused human being
who hated himself for what he was doing, but did it anyway.
By reclaiming the past, he
accepts reality. He accepts his uncle and most importantly, he accepts himself.
In an insoluble dilemma,
he did the best he could.