The man who plays Widow Twanky teased me by suggesting that if it proved difficult to find fishnet tights to fit me, he would try to borrow a drift net from a fishing friend.

But as the weeks passed and I assumed stage make-up and exotic costume, something stirred in memory. The thigh-slapping, swashbuckling image of a powerful girl-man, provocative focus of dreams and desires, began to evoke the buried ambitions of a chubby little girl who was always in the back row of the chorus. How I had been dazzled by the glamour of Aladdin and his beautiful Princess. How I had envied his effortless arrogance. Well, here was my chance.

Suddenly, I began to feel confident and handsome. I began to project the person I wanted to be, and the rest of the cast responded. I was thoroughly enjoying the new me, and decided to let her spill over into my everyday life, with more colourful clothes, more extravagant gestures, a more radiant smile. They were there, just under the surface, a part of myself I had felt some unexplained need to suppress as being inappropriate to my age and circumstances.

I use psycho- drama in therapy as a matter of course, but had not realised it could be equally as effective in revitalising every day as it was in retracing and rewriting old scripts.

Primarily, my clients enact old scenes from their lives, usually by assigning roles to a couple of chairs and then sitting in one chair or another as they pretend to be those people, their younger selves, parents, siblings or partners. One young man, abused as a child, was able to tell his perverted grandfather and disbelieving parents exactly what he thought of them all. He was able to express himself and experience power in a situation where he had previously been helpless. He voiced the reactions he had been too afraid to acknowledge at the time. Then he was able to take on the roles of his grandfather and parents to express the needs and fears that motivated them. Later he was able to talk to them openly about what had happened, to express his anger and distress, to assert his new-found courage and understanding.

Such a proceeding does not always make for a dream ending in the game of happy families, but it does allow the victim to move on, to reclaim the past, understand the present and change the future.

One man who has a very defensive wife does not wish to confront her when his anger is at its hottest because he knows she is incapable of listening to criticism without extreme distress and uncontrolled retaliation. He gets it off his chest by haranguing a chair in her absence whilst she is out shopping. When she returns he has a clearer picture of exactly what has caused his reaction, but greater control of the way in which he expresses it. By making his suggestions with patience and understanding he avoids polarisation and bitter argument.

Direct confrontation may seem a more honest approach, but an intelligent man pays his opponent the compliment of using his brain to preserve a relationship that is important to him.

Power is relative. Often we achieve our goals in ways which are deceptive. The sweet and gentle wife who always occupies the moral high ground against her unreasonable, bullying husband can be more cruelly vengeful in her way than any termagent.

The adoring husband who only wishes to please can wrong-foot and infuriate a bewildered wife who cannot understand why she feels so pressured by his expressions of love.

Both of the apparently stronger spouses are defeated by their own feelings of helplessness and unreasonable fury. They sense they are being controlled. They know they appear in the wrong and it only makes them angrier to have no valid reasons for the way they feel. But they have lost the battle. The real power lies with their opponents who use it, often unconsciously, to destroy a relationship that fails to satisfy their needs, whilst retaining intact their self-image as loving martyrs, justified in word and deed.

Another trap in which we react against powerlessness is that of alienation. Many young people feel that they are irrelevant in modern society. They have no job, no purchasing power, no prospects and no way of changing the way things are. So they create their own sub-cultures in which they build new identities. Society does not need them. So stuff society. Its rules are irrelevant, its values invalid.

Their grandparents were assured of jobs for life, of skills which, once acquired, remained a source of quiet pride until it was time to retire. Their homes were secure, their physical surroundings remained the same and partnerships lasted.

Now workers are faceless, interchangeable job fodder with no chance to develop skills or to be valued as individuals except at the highest levels of responsibility. Even there, personal honour and ideals are often sacrificed to the great God, Profit.

(Put me on my soap-box and I will tell you how I see money as a virus that has infected the human race, diverting all our energies: forcing us to churn out endless supplies at the expense of our health and sanity.)

Women feel irrelevant too. Their function as mother is often seen as a disadvantage, a burden and a sign of irresponsibility in an over-crowded world with rapidly dwindling resources.

Men also feel redundant. They have no secure role as examples and protectors.

Both men and women feel the threat of replaceability. They fear they are not valued for themselves, but only in so far as they comply with a media-generated ideal in appearance, age, status, behaviour and sexual expertise. Both are increasingly turning to same-gender partners for understanding and security, or avoiding the risk of pain by superficial relationships with no real commitment. Some avoid the issue altogether by accepting seclusion and some escape into drug addiction, alcoholism, depression and suicide.

Power is about choice. We do not all want the same things out of life. We do not all enjoy the same experiences.

Some people measure others by themselves, their criterion "Why aren't you more like me?" If they are in a position of power they can impose their will on spouse, children, employees, disciples or pupils. But such compliance comes with a price-tag in terms of surrender of one's own integrity and self-respect.

Recently, at a friend's home, we played a game in which we had to guess how others would answer certain questions. One question, addressed to a gentleman was, "What would you prefer, a day shopping, a meal at a restaurant or a night of sex? Most of the ladies assumed he would opt for sex, but to our surprise he put that last in order of preference saying "Let's face it, sex only lasts three minutes."

We ladies looked meaningfully at one another, but refrained from comment.

But there was no real reason why we should have been amused. Here was a real man making an honest statement. I am sure there are very many men and women for whom sexual athletics are not nearly such an enjoyable pursuit as the media would have them believe. It is accepted that women may feel this way, particularly as they get older, yet men carry the burden of being always expected to be potently virile, notwithstanding medical evidence that they are less likely to maintain their appetites and abilities into old age than women.

I respect that man for his honesty and feel humbled by his trust. He presented himself as he really was, not as a stereotyped satyr. He was strong enough to acknowledge his preferences and priorities. I have no doubt that he thoroughly enjoys his shoppping and his restaurant meals and does not waste his time in pursuits that for him would be at best profitless and at worst humiliating. If he ever finds another partner, she will have no unreal expectations. Their relationship will be based on truthful communication and shared interests. He might not suit my friend, but I am sure he will suit someone, if that is what he wants.

Certainly, I cannot see him ever allowing himself to be maneouvred into a situation which is not what he wants. He knows who he is and where he wants to be, and he is strong enough to be himself, without apology.

In their book, "Remarkable Recovery" Hirschberg and Barasch acknowledge the power of ego integrity in overcoming life-threatening illness. Drs. Spiegel and Schilder point to this factor of congruence between attitude and ego identity. They demonstrate that people of all personality types can recover from life-threatening disease when their behaviour, attitude and way of life are consistent with their basic mind-style. It is emerging that survivors have one thing in common. They are all bloody-mindedly themselves.

They know who they are. They are unrepentantly individual and they use the power this gives them to maintain not only their ego-integrity and their identity, but life itself.

You have that same power. All it takes to release it are the three Cs. Control, Commitment, and response to Challenge.

I Challenge you. Take Control. Commit yourself to the pursuit of a pleasurable and fulfilling way life. It is your right. You can do it. You can. YOU CAN! C.C.C. See?

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