Just sit quietly for a moment and reflect on when you last felt the blaze of unadulterated joy.

Was it fairly recently? Or was it a long time ago?

I can recall in February, the real kick of wonder I got from the first crocus, pale lilac silk in the sun. Its incredibly rich orange stamen protruded hard and strong in vibrant contrast to gossamer petals. It was an affirmation of life, a cameo of the juxtaposition of male and female principles. In its force and associations it was on a par with the joy I felt in my lover's arms, his mouth sweetly on mine and his maleness eliciting waves of grateful pleasure.

Then there was the dragon fruit I tasted for the first time: ambrosia snow sprinkled with exquisite crunchy black specks of seed within a bright fuchsia shell spiked with scales of vivid acid green. It was a sheer delight.

I have learned to allow myself the joy of full awareness of all my senses and of my emotional response. In the process, I have become a connoisseur of pain, accepting it as the unavoidable concomitant of an ability to revel in sensation, acknowledge feelings and accept life in all its richness and variety.

I wept with pride and awe when I first held my newborn daughter. I have also wept with pain and grief, with loneliness and with frustration.

I punched the air and shouted with joy when I heard of my examination success. I have also savoured failure, rejection and defeat.

I have sung on "automatic pilot", lost in the ecstasy of soaring effortlessly from note to perfect note. Now I accept a rusty croak from inflexible vocal cords, but still enjoy the fun of projection and attack.

I remember the feel of an impeccably co-ordinated dive; the cold shock of seawater and its resilient support as I danced a slow, delighted ballet in affirmation of power and life; the freedom and strength of running; icy air freezing my lungs as I swooped downhill on inexpert skis, stomach-clenching apprehension as I clung to the side of a mountain; the taste of fear adding its savour to torchlight glinting on the wet walls of a cave.

I have also gritted my teeth and dragged myself along on crutches, screamed in pain and humiliation when my muscles have knotted in spasm and someone else has taken charge of my most intimate functions.

When we open ourselves to pleasure, we must accept vulnerability to pain. When we can glory in our achievements, we must be able to accept our limitations.

By shutting out our awareness of fear, failure and pain, we also limit our ability to feel the joy that is rightfully ours.

As a child you accepted joy, delight, bliss, as readily as you accepted food you enjoyed, and you tolerated misery with an inner certainty that you had a right to be happy.

How often have you let yourself be aware of enjoying yourself? How often do you enjoy being you? How often are you deeply aware of physical sensation, of emotional response, of intuitive acceptance of communication with life on all levels?

Or are you inhibited by some innner voice that reminds you of your fragility, vulnerability, lack of judgement, need to remain low-key, unobtrusive, self-controlled and protected: that insists on your lack of strength and worth?

Self-control is often misunderstood. Too often the control is not reasoned and chosen by our adult consciousness, but imposed from within by an unconscious feedback loop of inhibitions imposed by others.

Were your parents afraid they would be judged on your behaviour? Did they impress on you the need to be seen but not heard, to calm down, to control yourself?

Did your teachers advocate self-discipline, obedience and uncritical acceptance of their imparted wisdom?

Was your religious and ethical instruction aimed at self-abasement and service to others?

Did partners find your responses disconcerting? Were they jealous, critical, disapproving or threatened by your emotions?

Were you ever reprimanded for being dramatic, as if drama was an overblown art form, a hysteric self- indulgence and not merely a reflection of life itself?

What is wrong with self-indulgence anyway? It has come to have reprehensible associations with greed, excess and anti-social behaviour. Yet it is merely allowing ourselves to be aware of our ability to feel delight, to indulge in the joy of being ourselves, and alive. To affirm life in ourselves, to accept and value our own experience enables us to do the same for others. In fact it is less likely to lead to selfish and inconsiderate behaviour than if we repress and protect ourselves so that we are unable to repond to the feelings and needs of those around us.

Often we are afraid to follow up associations of thought because they are somehow unhealthy, dangerous or unclean. So we repress or awareness of anger, curiosity or of sexual response. Yet when these feelings are recognised and acknowledged they come under our conscious control. It is only when we refuse them overt notice that they can take control of our reactions, unawares.

The essence of being a responsible adult is choice.

When we really allow ourselves to know what we are capable of thinking and feeling and how we respond to these extremes, we can make informed decisions on the basis of that knowledge.

We no longer need an automatic censor to cope with our fear of excess. We can decide for ourselves how much is enough and where on the continuum of selfishness and altruism we can stand most comfortably.

Being free means free to choose our own limits. We do not have to be ostentatiously outrageous, or quietly self-effacing unless we want to be.

We do not all have to be the same, and we do not have to be consistent. We choose who we want to be and what we want to feel from day to day and from hour to hour. The difference is that from our heightened awareness we know that we are choosing, and why.

As we develop this ability, we learn to trust our own judgement, respect our own decisions and acknowledge our right to be happy.

By doing this we also develop a greater respect for the judgement, decisions and autonomous rights of others. We can be different. We can allow others to be different too.

When we can let ourselves be ourselves, with appreciation, we can also let others be themselves and appreciate their unique qualities. Our relationships will soon become deeper and more mutually rewarding. We will accept joy back into our lives.

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