SENS Self-Esteem Net Site-dealing with guilt

DEALING WITH GUILT

Guilt is perhaps the most difficult feeling to refute in our battle for self-esteem.

Sit quietly for a moment and make a list of all the things that you feel guilty about. You will notice that in the best therapeutic tradition I do not say "Things that MAKE you feel guilty. Only you can MAKE yourself feel anything. It is your choice.

That may sound very glib, but it is not as simple as it sounds. You make your choices for a number of complex reasons, not all of which are accessible to pure reason.

Choose one of the things you feel guilty about.

Wallow in it.

Let it get to you.

Then have a good look at the way you feel.

What is this thing called guilt?

There is probably a large helping of anger in the feeling you call guilt. Perhaps you can most easily identify feelings of resentment or frustration. You have either done something that someone thinks you ought not to have done, or, to paraphrase the general confession, you have left undone something that someone thinks you ought to have done.

The reason you have behaved in this way is either because you could not, or you did not want to behave as directed. The first reason, inability, engenders helplessness: resentment that you were prevented, together with self-doubt, that you could have tried harder, with perhaps a suspicion that you failed wilfully, because you did not really want to do what was expected.

The feelings are uncomfortable. You are justifiably annoyed at the circumstance that prevented you; at the feelings of self-doubt that conflict with a desire to believe you did your best, and at the feelings of shame you do not deserve. You are at war with yourself.

The second reason, not wishing to conform, is easier to handle.

Where do the messages originate that you should have behaved as desired?

Where did the refusal begin?

Do you resent the expectations that you ought to behave in a given way?

Did you feel pleasure in refusing? Did you resent the pressures that cause you to hide this pleasure even from yourself?

Guilt consists largely of resentment and resentment is anger. So who are you angry with ? Why?

In modern life there are many sources of guilt.

Genuine shame, that we have failed to live up to a treasured image of ourself, is comparatively rare.

But it can lead to a self-destructive spiral where we attempt to shut out knowledge of our failing or of our greater potential by turning to drugs, alcohol, voracious sex or the pursuit of mindless entertainment.

There are ways of dealing with it constructively. We can usefully pursue the tradition of repentence. We apologise, we make restitution and we resolve not to do it again. We acknowledge our weakness and enrol help to assist us in our goals.

The pattern is the same whether our crime was in eating an extra chocolate biscuit, losing our temper or stealing from an employer.

More commmon sources of guilt are found in the pressures of everyday life and in the standards that are imposed on us by parents, peers, employers, partners, children and the media.

Perhaps resentment is easier to identify when we don't want to answer the phone. We know there is no reason to repond automatically to the sound of a bell, like Pavlov's dog, but the response is habitual and to ignore it sets up a dissonance or discomfort.

More serious is resentment of the child who cries in the night, the aged parent who expects a visit or the spouse who requires a task completed.

Instead of being torn between two responses, ineffectual in both and angry with ourselves, it is better to face the reality that our feelings may not match our ideal self-image, but are understandable, therefore excuseable, therefore acceptable.

Once we can accept these feelings as valid and permissible we can deal with the situation without the drag of self-repression and the weight of unnecessary guilt. The situation has not changed. Our perception of it has.

We can now look directly at the problem. It may be insoluble. Some problems are.

The solution may be a series of compromises. Make sure that the compromises are negotiated between what you really want to do, what you feel is necessary and what is best for all.

Do not be tempted to omit any of these elements or you will return to the unbalanced situation in which swinging from one extreme to the other gives rise in turn to resentment and self-loathing.

Take the example of the child who cries in the night. To respond only to its needs without considering your own leads to physical and emotional exhaustion which could result either in sleeping through a genuine emergency or losing your temper with child or spouse or both.

First find out why the child cries and try to eliminate the cause. Then enlist the help of a family member or spouse. If this is not possible, take time to rest and relax during the day. Just be aware that the situation can be helped and you do not have to achieve the impossible.

Mothers can get themselves trapped into a perfection syndrome where they try to reflect an image of themselves as supremely loving, capable, selfless and long-suffering. They must respond to the demands of child, husband, household, work and the media ideal of womanhood. They must be nurse, lover, housekeeper, wage-earner and playmate. They must be beautiful, serene, energetic and self-sufficient.

Well, in the immortal words of my father, "Sod that for a game of tin soldiers!" If we were all more honest about our limits, fearlessly rejecting impossible standards and refusing the burden of guilt, we would be able to allow others more leeway in opting out of competition to be more perfect than others. We would be able to value ourselves and them for what we all really are: flawed human beings doing the best we can with what we have.

One of the things we have is reason.

If we look abjectively at the catalogue of expectations we have been taught to have about ourselves, we will soon see how ludicrous they are.

Try it.

Write out a list beginning with what you think you ought to be.

Make out lists from the points of view of your parents, spouse, boss, children, colleagues, friends.

Then make out a list of the ideals presented by the media.

When you stop laughing you may even want to cry !

Examples : Fill in the names of suitable male or female role models as appropriate - and have FUN!

Be as attractive as...............................
Be as good a lover as...............................
Be as good a cook as...............................
Be as rich as...............................
Be as cheerful as...............................
Be as energetic as...............................
Be as wise as...............................
Be as successful as...............................
Be as creative as...............................
Be as competent as...............................
Be as brave as...............................
Be as decisive as...............................
Be as fit as...............................
Be as funny as...............................
Be as helpful as...............................
Be as adventurous as...............................
Be as well-informed as...............................
Be as faithful as...............................
Be as well-groomed as...............................
Be as intelligent as...............................
Be as loving as...............................
Be as selfless as...............................
Be as popular as...............................
Be as patient as...............................

And that is only part of it! How ever did you let yourself get conned into swallowing that lot?

Somewhere in the lists there will be a breath of sanity.

Somewhere you, or a friend may have observed that there is a need for you to be happy, contented, fulfilled, loved..... just as you are!

It is not a bargain in which you fulfil all the criteria and miraculously are rewarded with all that is good in life.

It is a negotiable deal where you decide the priorities.

What do you really want?

What are you prepared to offer in exchange?

What can you do without?

"Like what you do, if you don't like it,
do something else. --Paul Harvey"

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