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AGE - ACHIEVEMENT OR LOSS?

Age is very much an attitude of mind.

As with every other stage of development, there is a process to follow which I call the four A's: Assessment, Acceptance, Adjustment and Achievement.

There are positive and negative aspects to all the manifestations of increasing age.

We can choose to revel in our new freedoms or to bewail our lost youth, but if we are to be happy, we need to embrace the opportunities offerred by this next stage in our life, rather than perseverating in trying to remain in a mode we have outgrown.

If we can accept ageing as a natural and joyful progression, an extension of our learning and maturing process, then those around us will also see it more positively.

Too often, age is seen as a failing rather than the triumph it can be. The media, in particular, present it as a fate to be resisted at all costs. But then, they have a vested interest in keeping us from the maturity and wisdom that would enable us to discern their underlying motivation and objectives.

Societies which accept age are seen as primitive. Perpetual youth is the objective of sophisticated society.

But - let's face it - youth needs its energy and beauty because it has little else going for it!

Ageing is a process of refinement, a gradual stripping away of excess, an opportunity to consolidate the lessons of a lifetime and concentrate on things that are important to us.

Death is the next great adventure.

It is painful to lose a partner, friend or family member, but once the grieving process is accepted, there are compensations. Not least is the knowledge that we are not alone. Someone we love has made the journey before us.

I wonder if there is not a strange balance in the natural law that seems to decree that women, having spent much of their lives in the shadow of husband and family, have, on average, ten more years of mature development in the sunshine of their golden years than the male of the species.

Or has it something to do with the traumatic frustration of the male who suddenly loses his lifelong identity on retirement at 65 years, whilst women have adjusted more gradually to progressive role change from nubile young woman to mother, from possible breadwinner or community leader to matriarchal wise woman and finally surrender to the joy of self-actualisation and the choice of simple childhood values ?

I do not belittle the very real problems that accompany age. Our health may deteriorate. But we also have less pressure to perform or conform and more time and freedom to listen to our bodies and do what feels best for us.

It is a time to concentrate on and enjoy the things we can do rather than bemoan the things we can't: to look forward with anticipation rather than backward with regret. Often we find that the things we relinquish were not as important as we thought, whilst new pursuits become extremely rewarding.

Men and women find altered sexual responses. Some accept with relief that this is the end of a function they do not regret. Others discover new and often more satisfying ways of expressing their sexuality. When urgency and potency wane, it is possible to enjoy more relaxed and extended pleasures, deeper relationships, gentler methods, more honest and tender exchanges and more fun.

Loneliness is often a problem. But it is not insoluble. We need to decide on what we want and what we are willing to give in exchange. Like anything else in life, it takes planning and work to maintain a healthy social life.

I am disabled and single, virtually housebound and visually handicapped. Yet my social life is better than it has ever been.

I employ someone to help me with housework and someone else to assist with the garden. They are both areas that are important to me. This is my haven. To finance this, I do not smoke, drink, watch TV, gamble or go on holiday. I have no desire to do any of those things, but if I did want a holiday, I would find a way to make it possible.

I spend my money on further education, communication via computer and the Internet, cultural events, flowers and creative pursuits.

Much of what I achieve is done on a barter system. I undertake to work on committees in return for transport to the organisations that interest me.

I use my knowledge skills , counselling, writing, languages, alternative health, gardening etc., in exchange for practical assistance.

I evince real care and concern for others and in return, they show real care and concern for me.

I demand nothing. My philosophy is simple. If something I want does not happen, then it is not meant to be and surely, something even better will turn up instead. If someone disappoints me, I accept that my priorities are not theirs and wait for the next opportunity.

The basic philosophy was expressed by a Civil War veteran as "Trust in God, but keep your powder dry." As far as I can, I prepare and anticipate, but having done all I can, I let it go and enjoy whatever comes.

One positive aspect of being dependent on others is that there is always an element of surprise, a need to be prepared and flexible to fit in with their plans, as well as the ability to say "No" if it is not really what I want to do at the time.

The name of the game is "Freedom."

Your choices may not be mine. You may choose safety rather than adventure, but the freedom is yours. The choice is yours.

The most important freedom is freedom from fear.

I live one day at a time, making provision for the best and the worst, but reacting only to what is actually happening here and now. I do not waste today in either anticipation or fear of tomorrow.

Today is all I have. It is all anyone ever has. It is a gift. The present.

Reading an account by Iris Murdoch's husband of his wife's retreat into Alzheimer's, I was struck by his assertion that once you face and accept the inevitability of death, you are truly free to enjoy every moment as a bonus.

One health professional was determined I should not deceive myself about the seriousness of my condition. "It will get worse," she said, "Nothing more certain. It will get worse."

She was quite right. The symptoms are more of a nuisance. It is getting worse. My boundaries are narrowing. My abilities and my physical world are shrinking.

Perhaps I won't make it on the Spitzbergen run or do my two years VSO. Or perhaps I will. Who knows? Not her. Not me....

But what she did not tell me, because she did not know, was that it also gets better.

I need no excuses to do what I enjoy and leave what I don't. I eat, sleep, work, play, speak, act, just as I please. If I want to take chances, be extravagant or outrageous or do something that may seem foolish, there is no-one to stop me.

It is my choice. I choose the future. I choose freedom.

Life has always been good, but now it is great!

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